word on the street

apparently promises mean nothing to some people. you promised it wouldn't be like this, you wouldn't avoid me. lies.

I'm not the bad guy. I was never the bad guy. I was always the one who was in for the long haul, the good one who eventually grew tired of your pride & image you had to uphold. don't pretend that stuff never happened. & don't tell people I treated you badly because we both know that's not true.

we both know that you broke me as much as I broke you.

so if you didn't mean it to be interpreted that way then fix it. Because right now, that's the word on the street.

I charm the hell out of bus drivers, street vendors, bartenders and old friends.


Why don't I sparkle where it counts?

outcomes.

i swear i am not holding onto this (whatever "this" is) to wait until something better comes around.

no really, i'm not.

right now, everything is so consuming i can't think of it being any other way. i'm immersed in this, and i like it in the most masochistic way possible.

:::::
once upon a time, i laughed at this boy i met overseas. despite being older than me, he was a boy in every sense of the term & he wrote me a five page love letter.

"I feel like I've been living inside some sort of romantic movie the past few days. I had no idea this stuff actually happened in real life. [Your boyfriend is] a really lucky guy, i'm jealous. Having said that, it doesn't stop me from being completely in love with you."

that is when i laughed.
& then i immediately thought, actually that is an incredibly brave move, to put everything into something when you know the answer is no.

:::::

a wiser version of me now looks back on that time and knows that true courage is putting everything into a situation that has the potential to eventuate into something. it could crumble and fail, or it could be huge, fabulous and amaze. & that fear of not knowing what the outcome could be is where that courage lies.
a few years ago, i said i am now living out the lessons i already knew. don't confuse that with learning them - it's the difference between theory and practical application. i know the learnings, i just know what is happening and what i should do already.

back to tonight, i'm still not sure i have the correct brew of courage. not sure what i'm waiting for, i just know i am waiting right now. who knows, it may pass tomorrow, or next year. but i'm living in right now & right now it's consuming me.

i really need to get a new job.

life is easy.

hey kiddo.

don't grow up. its hard out here - all grown up, carving a life for ourselves. stay two forever.

people won't be fascinated and marvel at your conversational skills. its harder to command the attention of an entire room.

sure, you get to make your own choices but there are too many nowadays.

you end up disappointing yourself and others. see now, you don't know how to compare your success with your peers. to others, you're still growing and learning anyway. everything is new and ready to be explored. age & knowledge complicates circumstances that actually haven't changed.

& when you grow up, no-one will tell you they love you everyday, not even your family. your eccentricities will make you a freak, not a favourite.

right now, you can be honest with yourself. if you're happy, silly or sad, you can show it and no-one will judge you.

so stay two forever. & when it's not okay to say this anymore please remember, i love you & that will not change.

my name is.

Why do people name their kids after months? With the exception of the Autumn months (Spring in the northern hemisphere), it is definitely one of my pet peeves - especially when it is the month they are born in (or would it be worse if it were a different month altogether? ugh). What happens if they have two daughters born in the same month? "These are my girls - September, June, January and Mary."

I don't think they realise how stupid it sounds. Is it to make sure for one month of the year, people will be reminded of their children? That or to save them the hassle of thinking up a porn-star alias.

My charming ex-boyfriend's ex had a Month-Name as she was born in said month. He would lie to me to sneak off and meet her. I accidentally and very innocently caught him doing it & he admitted it with his tail between his legs. He thought he was a fool-proof liar but I could always tell. After that & every time he had lie-face on, my heart would curl up into knots. I also found out they were still seeing each other when we started dating despite having "broken up" a year earlier. Indirectly through his mum. Fan-fucking-tastic.

During the entire month of her name I cursed each time I had to write down the date. It was a double blow that her name coincided with the financial year, and as an accountant, I hated having to refer to the financial year as Month 200X. Thank you to her parents for that stroke of genius. By pure coincidence, we broke up the month after.

I thought I was being bitter, but years on - I still think having a Month-Name is stupid. Don't get me wrong - January Jones = bomb but its still just not quite right. Just make sure I don't meet any Augusts, Octobers or Februarys.

I am awesome.

Most people find it difficult to discuss their own merits, achievements and successes and I am certainly no exception.

A number of women will tell you this is an inherent characteristic of being female. "Guys just don't have this problem". Bollocks. I know a number of females and males who easily dispel that myth.

When I think of what I'm good at, they are usually not-so-cleverly disguised negative qualities...e.g. I'm good at shopping. I'm good at drinking, partying hard & (what I've recently discovered) posing in front of a camera so it looks like I'm having the time of my life.

I suppose there are other things like...being good with my nephews. I'm a good friend (at least I try to be). I'm good at spotting the ones that will break my friends' hearts and the ones that will treat them right...although I'd never offer this information unless asked.

Today I must overcome this...mental barrier (for lack of a better way to describe my inability to convey my awesome-ness) in preparation for my Monday morning meeting. I will speak of my amazing worth to my firm, and hopefully won't be laughed at.

why do we do this to ourselves?

You're back? Does this mean you're back for good?
HAH! It doesn't mean anything so stop asking.

Sometimes I forget I once had regular readers.

I don't even know why anyone came here to read my poorly-documented, very mundane day-to-day life. I think I even intentionally spelt things incorrectly...in a BAD way. *shudders*

But that was before we all wanted more control over who read our posts & migrated to livejournal. It's fascinating. We toyed with the anonymity of the world wide web - poured our hearts out, spoke of secrets and gave insight into our vulnerabilities...

It was all fun and games until we tipped the balance & gave too much away. We posted photos and email addresses. Our friends joined the blog circles, fellow blogging community became friends & then we couldn't take it all back. In hindsight, it never had to be that way.

*

Recently, my old playlists are unleashing their cruelty upon me. Even Japanese lyrics are having their say. FML. Why did I learn the damn language?

Then a song will come around & nail it but it would make me smile. I smiled at every verse.

I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole
You held a warm stone out new flowing blood to hold
Oh what a contrast you were
To the brutes in the halls
My timid young fingers held a decent animal.

Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have been short but the days were long.

Cool of a temperate breeze from dark skies to wet grass
We fell in a field it seems now a thousand summers passed
When our kite lines first crossed
We tied them into knots
And to finally fly apart
We had to cut them off.