no really, i'm not.
right now, everything is so consuming i can't think of it being any other way. i'm immersed in this, and i like it in the most masochistic way possible.
once upon a time, i laughed at this boy i met overseas. despite being older than me, he was a boy in every sense of the term & he wrote me a five page love letter.
"I feel like I've been living inside some sort of romantic movie the past few days. I had no idea this stuff actually happened in real life. [Your boyfriend is] a really lucky guy, i'm jealous. Having said that, it doesn't stop me from being completely in love with you."
that is when i laughed.
& then i immediately thought, actually that is an incredibly brave move, to put everything into something when you know the answer is no.
a wiser version of me now looks back on that time and knows that true courage is putting everything into a situation that has the potential to eventuate into something. it could crumble and fail, or it could be huge, fabulous and amaze. & that fear of not knowing what the outcome could be is where that courage lies.
a few years ago, i said i am now living out the lessons i already knew. don't confuse that with learning them - it's the difference between theory and practical application. i know the learnings, i just know what is happening and what i should do already.
back to tonight, i'm still not sure i have the correct brew of courage. not sure what i'm waiting for, i just know i am waiting right now. who knows, it may pass tomorrow, or next year. but i'm living in right now & right now it's consuming me.
i really need to get a new job.
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