I am awesome.

Most people find it difficult to discuss their own merits, achievements and successes and I am certainly no exception.

A number of women will tell you this is an inherent characteristic of being female. "Guys just don't have this problem". Bollocks. I know a number of females and males who easily dispel that myth.

When I think of what I'm good at, they are usually not-so-cleverly disguised negative qualities...e.g. I'm good at shopping. I'm good at drinking, partying hard & (what I've recently discovered) posing in front of a camera so it looks like I'm having the time of my life.

I suppose there are other things like...being good with my nephews. I'm a good friend (at least I try to be). I'm good at spotting the ones that will break my friends' hearts and the ones that will treat them right...although I'd never offer this information unless asked.

Today I must overcome this...mental barrier (for lack of a better way to describe my inability to convey my awesome-ness) in preparation for my Monday morning meeting. I will speak of my amazing worth to my firm, and hopefully won't be laughed at.

why do we do this to ourselves?

You're back? Does this mean you're back for good?
HAH! It doesn't mean anything so stop asking.

Sometimes I forget I once had regular readers.

I don't even know why anyone came here to read my poorly-documented, very mundane day-to-day life. I think I even intentionally spelt things incorrectly...in a BAD way. *shudders*

But that was before we all wanted more control over who read our posts & migrated to livejournal. It's fascinating. We toyed with the anonymity of the world wide web - poured our hearts out, spoke of secrets and gave insight into our vulnerabilities...

It was all fun and games until we tipped the balance & gave too much away. We posted photos and email addresses. Our friends joined the blog circles, fellow blogging community became friends & then we couldn't take it all back. In hindsight, it never had to be that way.

*

Recently, my old playlists are unleashing their cruelty upon me. Even Japanese lyrics are having their say. FML. Why did I learn the damn language?

Then a song will come around & nail it but it would make me smile. I smiled at every verse.

I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole
You held a warm stone out new flowing blood to hold
Oh what a contrast you were
To the brutes in the halls
My timid young fingers held a decent animal.

Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have been short but the days were long.

Cool of a temperate breeze from dark skies to wet grass
We fell in a field it seems now a thousand summers passed
When our kite lines first crossed
We tied them into knots
And to finally fly apart
We had to cut them off.

satisfaction.

How do you derive your happiness?

Is it from job satisfaction? Finding love that lasts? Or if you're less ambitious - settling for a partner and companion. It could be through spending time with your family or the ability to provide for your family. Perhaps it is through challenging yourself by doing something risky and difficult. Is it from buying that exclusive bag? Watching your investments grow and make money for you? Maybe it's status - getting that next promotion, chasing that dream.

I could be narrow-minded, but it seems this is highly correlated to the satisfaction of achieving or obtaining something, whether this is big or small.

I have always been fascinated by what makes people tick. What their inspirational or motivational driver is, what factors are at play when they uproot their lives or make drastic changes. Where is this all coming from? A few months ago, my god-sister announced she put in her resignation to move to Hong Kong (for a reason that is not for me to publish)...just like that. I could tell it was sudden but well thought out. I knew it was the right decision for her - it was written all over her face. I told her I admired the swiftness of her decision...how is she so certain it will work out? She told me, "Well to me, my job isn't that important right?" Of course - it seems so simple but sometimes I struggle to rank my priorities on a day-to-day basis let alone in my life.


Perhaps this continued fascination stems from not knowing what could do it for me. I love my job. I'm not wholly satisfied by it, but I enjoy it, it challenges me and I knock over little wins so I feel like I do accomplish things at work. I'm not fixated on finding love or that special someone to keep me company. I see my family, sometimes more often than I'd like. I'm relatively financially stable and I am certain I don't derive satisfaction from hierarchical ladder-climbing.

As comfortable as that sounds, I have a parallel fear that I am not achieving my potential and I won't end up making the difference that I am equipped to make. Both of my parents left their lives and loved ones and traveled to an unknown country to start a new life...as teenagers. My grandparents traveled from country and country, learned new languages and took huge risks to seek new opportunities and better quality of life for themselves and their children. Consequently, I have reaped those benefits too.

But what is so bad about underachievement if you're happy? After all, if it's not broken, don't fix it.

I am still unconvinced.