I charm the hell out of bus drivers, street vendors, bartenders and old friends.


Why don't I sparkle where it counts?

outcomes.

i swear i am not holding onto this (whatever "this" is) to wait until something better comes around.

no really, i'm not.

right now, everything is so consuming i can't think of it being any other way. i'm immersed in this, and i like it in the most masochistic way possible.

:::::
once upon a time, i laughed at this boy i met overseas. despite being older than me, he was a boy in every sense of the term & he wrote me a five page love letter.

"I feel like I've been living inside some sort of romantic movie the past few days. I had no idea this stuff actually happened in real life. [Your boyfriend is] a really lucky guy, i'm jealous. Having said that, it doesn't stop me from being completely in love with you."

that is when i laughed.
& then i immediately thought, actually that is an incredibly brave move, to put everything into something when you know the answer is no.

:::::

a wiser version of me now looks back on that time and knows that true courage is putting everything into a situation that has the potential to eventuate into something. it could crumble and fail, or it could be huge, fabulous and amaze. & that fear of not knowing what the outcome could be is where that courage lies.
a few years ago, i said i am now living out the lessons i already knew. don't confuse that with learning them - it's the difference between theory and practical application. i know the learnings, i just know what is happening and what i should do already.

back to tonight, i'm still not sure i have the correct brew of courage. not sure what i'm waiting for, i just know i am waiting right now. who knows, it may pass tomorrow, or next year. but i'm living in right now & right now it's consuming me.

i really need to get a new job.

life is easy.

hey kiddo.

don't grow up. its hard out here - all grown up, carving a life for ourselves. stay two forever.

people won't be fascinated and marvel at your conversational skills. its harder to command the attention of an entire room.

sure, you get to make your own choices but there are too many nowadays.

you end up disappointing yourself and others. see now, you don't know how to compare your success with your peers. to others, you're still growing and learning anyway. everything is new and ready to be explored. age & knowledge complicates circumstances that actually haven't changed.

& when you grow up, no-one will tell you they love you everyday, not even your family. your eccentricities will make you a freak, not a favourite.

right now, you can be honest with yourself. if you're happy, silly or sad, you can show it and no-one will judge you.

so stay two forever. & when it's not okay to say this anymore please remember, i love you & that will not change.

my name is.

Why do people name their kids after months? With the exception of the Autumn months (Spring in the northern hemisphere), it is definitely one of my pet peeves - especially when it is the month they are born in (or would it be worse if it were a different month altogether? ugh). What happens if they have two daughters born in the same month? "These are my girls - September, June, January and Mary."

I don't think they realise how stupid it sounds. Is it to make sure for one month of the year, people will be reminded of their children? That or to save them the hassle of thinking up a porn-star alias.

My charming ex-boyfriend's ex had a Month-Name as she was born in said month. He would lie to me to sneak off and meet her. I accidentally and very innocently caught him doing it & he admitted it with his tail between his legs. He thought he was a fool-proof liar but I could always tell. After that & every time he had lie-face on, my heart would curl up into knots. I also found out they were still seeing each other when we started dating despite having "broken up" a year earlier. Indirectly through his mum. Fan-fucking-tastic.

During the entire month of her name I cursed each time I had to write down the date. It was a double blow that her name coincided with the financial year, and as an accountant, I hated having to refer to the financial year as Month 200X. Thank you to her parents for that stroke of genius. By pure coincidence, we broke up the month after.

I thought I was being bitter, but years on - I still think having a Month-Name is stupid. Don't get me wrong - January Jones = bomb but its still just not quite right. Just make sure I don't meet any Augusts, Octobers or Februarys.

I am awesome.

Most people find it difficult to discuss their own merits, achievements and successes and I am certainly no exception.

A number of women will tell you this is an inherent characteristic of being female. "Guys just don't have this problem". Bollocks. I know a number of females and males who easily dispel that myth.

When I think of what I'm good at, they are usually not-so-cleverly disguised negative qualities...e.g. I'm good at shopping. I'm good at drinking, partying hard & (what I've recently discovered) posing in front of a camera so it looks like I'm having the time of my life.

I suppose there are other things like...being good with my nephews. I'm a good friend (at least I try to be). I'm good at spotting the ones that will break my friends' hearts and the ones that will treat them right...although I'd never offer this information unless asked.

Today I must overcome this...mental barrier (for lack of a better way to describe my inability to convey my awesome-ness) in preparation for my Monday morning meeting. I will speak of my amazing worth to my firm, and hopefully won't be laughed at.

why do we do this to ourselves?

You're back? Does this mean you're back for good?
HAH! It doesn't mean anything so stop asking.

Sometimes I forget I once had regular readers.

I don't even know why anyone came here to read my poorly-documented, very mundane day-to-day life. I think I even intentionally spelt things incorrectly...in a BAD way. *shudders*

But that was before we all wanted more control over who read our posts & migrated to livejournal. It's fascinating. We toyed with the anonymity of the world wide web - poured our hearts out, spoke of secrets and gave insight into our vulnerabilities...

It was all fun and games until we tipped the balance & gave too much away. We posted photos and email addresses. Our friends joined the blog circles, fellow blogging community became friends & then we couldn't take it all back. In hindsight, it never had to be that way.

*

Recently, my old playlists are unleashing their cruelty upon me. Even Japanese lyrics are having their say. FML. Why did I learn the damn language?

Then a song will come around & nail it but it would make me smile. I smiled at every verse.

I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole
You held a warm stone out new flowing blood to hold
Oh what a contrast you were
To the brutes in the halls
My timid young fingers held a decent animal.

Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have been short but the days were long.

Cool of a temperate breeze from dark skies to wet grass
We fell in a field it seems now a thousand summers passed
When our kite lines first crossed
We tied them into knots
And to finally fly apart
We had to cut them off.

satisfaction.

How do you derive your happiness?

Is it from job satisfaction? Finding love that lasts? Or if you're less ambitious - settling for a partner and companion. It could be through spending time with your family or the ability to provide for your family. Perhaps it is through challenging yourself by doing something risky and difficult. Is it from buying that exclusive bag? Watching your investments grow and make money for you? Maybe it's status - getting that next promotion, chasing that dream.

I could be narrow-minded, but it seems this is highly correlated to the satisfaction of achieving or obtaining something, whether this is big or small.

I have always been fascinated by what makes people tick. What their inspirational or motivational driver is, what factors are at play when they uproot their lives or make drastic changes. Where is this all coming from? A few months ago, my god-sister announced she put in her resignation to move to Hong Kong (for a reason that is not for me to publish)...just like that. I could tell it was sudden but well thought out. I knew it was the right decision for her - it was written all over her face. I told her I admired the swiftness of her decision...how is she so certain it will work out? She told me, "Well to me, my job isn't that important right?" Of course - it seems so simple but sometimes I struggle to rank my priorities on a day-to-day basis let alone in my life.


Perhaps this continued fascination stems from not knowing what could do it for me. I love my job. I'm not wholly satisfied by it, but I enjoy it, it challenges me and I knock over little wins so I feel like I do accomplish things at work. I'm not fixated on finding love or that special someone to keep me company. I see my family, sometimes more often than I'd like. I'm relatively financially stable and I am certain I don't derive satisfaction from hierarchical ladder-climbing.

As comfortable as that sounds, I have a parallel fear that I am not achieving my potential and I won't end up making the difference that I am equipped to make. Both of my parents left their lives and loved ones and traveled to an unknown country to start a new life...as teenagers. My grandparents traveled from country and country, learned new languages and took huge risks to seek new opportunities and better quality of life for themselves and their children. Consequently, I have reaped those benefits too.

But what is so bad about underachievement if you're happy? After all, if it's not broken, don't fix it.

I am still unconvinced.

four yellow cars in a row

& when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never let forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

what on repeat lately?

how much longer until i pretend this doesn't hurt?
lykke is my ♥ to the tee.

hands down
i’m too proud for love
but eyes shut, it’s you I’m thinking of
but how we move from A to B
it can’t be up to me
cause you don’t know
eye to eye
thigh to thigh
i let go.

recovery

it is beginning to get colder now. how is it possibly the middle of autumn already? it's interesting how my workload so heavily influences my concept of time...but i love the colder months too much to care.

so far, i've learnt a lot about myself this year. firstly - there are actually people i can lean on. & in fact the length of time i have known them is by no means an indicator of how much they care. nor is how many times i've been there for them. <3 ironically, it's refreshing to be the one falling apart.

& secondly, under no circumstances should i feel like i "owe" anyone to the point that i endure verbal abuse and emotional blackmail. i don't need to do anything. nor should i be expected to. i shouldn't feel like a horrible person, and more importantly, i shouldn't be made to feel that way either.
there are other things i can waste my energy/thoughts on.

one of my friend's sister passed away from cancer last year & i've become to know the family and friends in the past few months. hearing about how much they hurt, watching them soldier on and help each other repair is enough to put my life into perspective.

& there is no need to go through everything alone. open up and give your friends the opportunity to be there and show how much they love you. ♥

on another note, i watched a movie with some pretty scary scenes that should have been a bit too close for comfort...but i was okay. i was so surprised, i managed to sit through a fairly sick/horrific movie in good spirits. strange but true.

sticks & stones

sticks and stones can break my bones...

...but i still won't let you mandhandle my friend.